When Nice is a Four Letter Word

Recently, my eight year old daughter said to me as I was tucking her into bed: “Mommy, a lot of times kids at school call me bossy… it makes me feel bad because I’m a nice person. What should I do?” Like many parents, my daughter & I have some of our best, most heartfelt conversations at nighttime when we’re snuggled underneath the covers, warm and cozy.  Usually I’m pretty good at deftly answering her questions and offering guidance. This time, though, I fumbled. Her innocent question got underneath my skin.

“First of all,” I said with an edge to my voice, “let’s switch the word ‘bossy’ to ‘assertive’, and secondly, why can’t you be nice and assertive? Why does it have to be one or the other?”

Long after she had drifted off to sleep, I reflected on our conversation and why it had pushed my buttons.

When other people describe me, one of the traits that often comes up is nice.  Nice is synonymous with pleasant and in most circumstances, this would be considered a compliment.  Somehow, though, when leaders – particularly female leaders – are referred to as nice, it can take on a whole new connotation.  Nice morphs into a euphemism for weak, ineffective, and people pleaser… not the qualities you envision in a strong leader. 

Not unlike my eight year old, amiable leaders at work are oftentimes left with a dilemma – if we’re to be taken seriously, if we want to hold senior leadership positions and have a seat at the table - do we have to shed our niceness?  Do we transform into someone that is more commanding, authoritative, autocratic? And how does one do that and maintain their authenticity?

Are niceness and strong leadership mutually exclusive?

I say No.

In her book The Myth of the Nice Girl, Fran Hauser suggests flipping the paradigm around: consider nice is your superpower – being warm, friendly, and respectful is how you inspire loyalty, establish trust, and connect with people.  Channel your niceness into leading with kindness, building relationships, influencing decisions, and getting results.

So what do you do if you’ve gotten feedback that you are “too nice” or you think your agreeable demeanor is holding you back from career advancement?

I recommend a three phased approach:

1.     Solicit feedback from people you trust and find out what the root problem is.  I suspect that the core issue isn’t that you’re nice, but rather, people use that term to sugar coat the real message.  Are you perceived as having lack of confidence? Are you considered indecisive? Do you shy away from having hard conversations? Do you go to extreme lengths to avoid confrontation? If you lead a team, does your team feel that you are unable to stand up for them?  This is important – ask for specific examples that help illustrate the gaps that they see.  Concrete examples are much more useful than vague characterizations.  

2.     Take some time to self-reflect.  You may have an initial knee jerk reaction to the constructive feedback and feel defensive – that’s normal – so give yourself some time to internalize their assessment.  Write down your vision of success and your career goals.  What do you believe you need to change in order to achieve those objectives? How does the feedback you’ve been given fit into this picture?

3.     Once you have clarity around the specific area to improve upon, create an action plan to help you reach your goal.  There are a variety of resources that can help you: online learning, professional development books, a mentor, your manager, or a leadership coach.  Conduct frequent check-ins with people you trust to ensure that you are making progress. 

Some Do’s and Don’ts:  

·       Don’t apologize unnecessarily.  Say sorry only when you mean it.

·       Do monitor your upspeak.  Upspeak is when you end a statement with a rising pitch, similar to how you would pose a question.  When you’re in a professional setting, this can be perceived as lack of confidence.

·       Don’t use feelings when conveying information or challenging an idea, use facts.

·       Do find your amiable style leadership heroes and learn from them.  I’m currently reading an Abraham Lincoln biography.  He’s arguably one of the most transformational leaders in history and often described as kindhearted, compassionate, and empathetic.

·       Don’t talk about yourself in a demeaning manner.  Humility is admirable and occasional self-depreciating humor can lighten the mood, but don’t refer to yourself in a harsh or critical manner.

If you’re familiar with StrengthsFinder – one of my top 5 strengths is harmony.  Years ago, I recall having a conversation with a leadership coach – we were chatting over lunch and I confided to her that I didn’t feel like harmony was a strength; in fact, it felt like a liability.  I felt embarrassed because I didn’t fit the mold of a traditional corporate leader.  She listened intently and then asked: “Do you consider Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. a leader?” I smiled sheepishly and answered, “Yes, of course”.  She went on to say: “It’s up to you on how you leverage your strengths; if you view harmony as a liability then it will become one.  But if you choose to harness this talent in an authentic way to help you become a more collaborative strong leader, then you will set yourself apart, in the best way.